Lisa Kelly saves Ice Road Truckers and My Heart

When I gave myself the assignment to review the marathon of Ice Road Truckers on the History Channel this weekend, I did it because I was feeling a bit melancholic and lonely. I wanted the most mindless chore I could think of just to lose my thoughts.  Perfect time for a television review.  I have been putting off love for a while now.  I keep telling myself I’ll find it later… anyway, I just wanted to watch something on television devoid of anything even vaguely romantic.   A marathon of the History Channel’s Ice Road Truckers seemed like such a refuge.

Hugh and the ice road truckers kept my mind numb for a good while

Eight hours into the marathon I was in a television zone, gone.   The tranquilizing effect of Ice Road Truckers erased my mind of anything personal, which was exactly what I was looking for.

I was wondering if Alex would beat Hugh in the dash for the cash.  I had an interest in the subplot of Rick’s alcoholism and his tendency to abuse the equipment.  However, the Ice Road itself wasn’t much of a dramatic factor.  No one was going to fall through the ice, at least none of the main characters…

Too bad the producers of the show couldn’t write in Rick’s frozen death somehow because somewhere around hour nine, redundancy set in.  I didn’t give a crap about the stupid ice road or Rick’s drunken ass.  Hugh’s laugh was growing old.  Alex is a good guy, solid character, but he’s kind of a prude and not very entertaining.  I no longer cared who won the cash dash.

Not bad, but I’m bored.  Ice Road had served it’s purpose.  I give it 3 stars just for getting me through most of a lazy Saturday without thinking of the fact that I am apparently unloveable.  I lost myself for hours but I had seen all the show had to offer.  Ice road trucking was no longer a good diversion.

Then, all of the sudden, a new face appeared in front of a truck on my screen… The next season in the marathon would bring Lisa.

Lisa? Who was she? Where did she come from?

Lisa Kelly, Ice Road Trucker, is not a dramatic device used by producers of the show, she is the greatest woman ever.

I was atingle with new interest.  The show had grown boring until I saw her.  Could she handle the tough world of the ice road truckers?  Could this gutsy gal tame the frozen sea?  I had to find out.   I cared again.  Look at her eyes.

Would she get the respect she obviously deserves? Like an angel in a parka, she showed me I could love again.

You don’t “have to work twice as hard to be half as good,” Lisa.  I know you will though.  That’s why I love you.

I understand your plight Lisa.  Those other men think you’re a fish out of water.  But just because you don’t have a beard and look way better in jeans than Hugh doesn’t mean you can’t drive a big rig over dangerous roads.  It really doesn’t matter that you’re a woman.

I know every time you make a mistake you hear, “because she’s a woman,” in your head.  You feel like you have to be perfect.  You don’t have to be a perfect driver because you’re already perfect to me.  Just be yourself baby, your absolute perfection will shine like those two beautiful eyes and clear the road in front of you.

Don’t let that unfortunate Beaver Slide segment get you down. They played that up just because of the name of the hill, sweetheart.  It is kinda funny that your brakes locked on Beaver Slide… There’s that smile.  You need a hug?  Mmm.  That’s better.  Ignore that bullshit drama and innuendo the show creates to sell eHarmony ads.  We got each other babe, that’s enough.  Miss a gear on a hill… pfft.  I still love you.

Let's get some rest babe. Just stretch out, I'll read to you.

Ice Road Truckers is good for another season at least.  I will stop watching should that one guy in the hat, Jack I think, get any friendlier with Lisa.  Personally I think Jack is really really boring and should be removed from the show.  How old is Tim?  He’s boring too. Each of their segments would be better filled with more Lisa time.  (She needs an onboard mechanic though, a subplot service I’d be happy to provide.)

Watch the new Season of Ice Road Truckers. It’s the only reality show about trucking that will teach you how to love again.

Fred Roberts

Television Beat Editor/ Diesel Mechanic/Air Brake and Hydraulic System Specialist/Mobile Book Narrator/Subplot/Skateboarder/Motorcyclist/Available

(I like dirtbikes and ride skateboards Lisa, you could teach me to snowboard and we could Ice Race together, nothing but thrills and chills…hit me up on Facebook or something.)