Just doing my moral and civic duty to enlighten and guide the youth…

Kid: Hi
Sugar: Hey Kid.
Kid: I have a question for you.
Sugar: Shoot.
Kid: I’m trying to decide whether to go straight to college or go into the military for a few years first.
Sugar: That’s not a question, that’s a statement. Maybe college isn’t the right place for you if you can’t differentiate the two.
Kid: …
Sugar: A question would take the form of something like this… Forget it.
Kid: So, what do you think?
Sugar: Atta boy. Well, let’s get a little background first. Do you or your parents have any money set aside for college?
Kid: No, my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom doesn’t work.
Sugar: Your Dad is a doctor, and he doesn’t have a college fund set up for you? Why not?
Kid: He doesn’t have any money. He has to pay malpractice insurance, and he’s still paying off medical school. Right now, he lives in a trailer park down by the railroad tracks.
Sugar: You live in a trailer?
Kid: Yeah, Mom took the house and sent me to live with Pop because she needed to “find herself”.
Sugar: So they’re divorced, I get it. ‘Nuff said.
Kid: My Mom’s a whore. A dirty, filthy whore. She dumped Pop for the pool boy, and then claimed some bullshit emotional cruelty and got most of the assets.
Sugar: Damn, Kid
Kid: Yeah.
Sugar: Ok, did you play any sports? Judging from that gut and pasty complexion, I’m guessing you haven’t seen the outdoors in what, 2 years?
Kid: I see the outdoors everyday on the way to school, wait – Is XBox a sport?
Sugar: No. Fuck No.
Kid: Oh. Well, then no.
Sugar: So the athletic scholly is out the window. How were your grades? Any extra-curriculars?
Kid: Mostly C’s. What’s an extracurricular?
Sugar: sigh.
Kid: Is that an XBox thing?
Sugar: No. Look – here’s what I got so far: You’re pasty, weak and fat, a mediocre student and you have some serious Mommy issues you aren’t even fully aware of yet. Combine that with the fact that you log every waking hour on video games, all of which pretty much makes you the social equivalent of a roach on a birthday cake.
Kid: ‘Sniff’
Sugar: Stop it, or I’m gonna kick you in the balls and toss you on the freeway.
Kid: Sorry, I just…
Sugar: You just what – need to adjust your skirt? Fix your mascara? I can tell you this right now, the Military is probably out as one of your options.
Kid: Why? I’m BAD-ASS at Call of Duty!
Sugar: First, you wouldn’t survive one hour outside of a climate controlled environment. Second, you couldn’t run to the bathroom fast enough to keep from pissing yourself, much less make a 2 mile run in a rigid timeframe. Although, the Mommy issues might eventually develop into the perfect psychotic underpinning that could allow you to slaughter Al Qaeda by the dozens. So, who knows – if you get to a gym, you might have a shot there. But, I’m guessing you’d probably get beaten into a coma by your drill sergeant in basic training first.
Kid: Wow, OK. So what about college?
Sugar: Probably your best shot. You just gotta find a way to pay for it.
Kid: Yeah, I don’t think I can. How does everyone else do it?
Sugar: Barring a rich set of parents, you can apply for scholarships. Otherwise, you can get financial aid, or start selling herbal remedies while working as a waiter at some shit hole college bar.
Kid: uh, OK.
Sugar: So, you all good now? Got a plan?
Kid: I think so.
Sugar: If all else fails, and neither of those pan out – just remember this phrase and everything will be OK: “You want fries with that?”
Kid: …OK. Fries, got it…
Sugar: Good Luck.