I don’t usually ponder the silly things in life, except for the garbage that they try to overcharge you with by pawning it off in 3-D.  If the movie was good to begin with, why use a cheap gimmick to sell it.  I give you a twenty-bone, and you hand me the cheap blue and red lensed goggles.  This all reminds me of when I saw Jaws 3 in 3-D and brings back why even if the movie sucks, we will go see it just because somewhere in the movie, there will be an arm floating in the water three inches from your nose, just to sell the damn thing.  Now I have gone and done it, pissed off the whole entertainment industry, and I hope not for the last time. 

The good thing about these movies, is that I saw them like they were supposed to be seen.  On an airplane, with the little bitty screen set in the headrest in front of me, and a pair of headphones.  May I underline the quote, “NOT IN 3-D”!! 

Now, off to “How to Train Your Dragon”.  Well, the only thing I could figure out about this flick is that you can not train a dragon, they will probably train you.  I like the slick effects of the digital animation, and I always have since the first days of  “Toy Story”. The difference between Toy Story and Dragon is that Toy Story actually was entertaining and was not propped up with the 3-D pretext.  This means that Toy Story actually had to have meaningful stuff in it, like a plot, and some humor to carry the whole story, and make you want to watch it.  How to Train Your Dragon had none of these attributes, and frankly, I’m glad I did not get to see it in 3-D because it was actually a good background noise for me to fall asleep in the plane while I did not watch it.

And then there was “Alice In Wonderland”.  This one came on during diner, and I was eating my chicken fritters when I saw Depp and those psychotic green eyes all dilated out, and then I noticed that all of the characters in the movies eyes were dilated.  Was this a flashback of a wild whirlwind drive thru Texas that was revisiting me in my most delicate moment?  At times like this, the cattle car of a 747 gets awful claustrophobic and I wished that I never took that LSD during that field trip to Kansas in the late 80′s.   I can only imagine what this one would be like to watch in 3-D, as I imagine that  the fucked up tea party rabbit is humping my leg while eating my chicken fritters, and trying to break the plastic cup that they served my single soda in.  All the while, Depp is talking in this screwy falsetto voice that sets me on edge.  Although the Big Head chick gets props, just for letting herself be filmed that way.  Eh, I guess that’s where the big money comes in, and why I’m not making it.  That kind of humiliation is not my forte.  Is this article still going on, and are you actually reading it?  Jesus, you guys must be as bored as I am.  I must seriously pretend to be doing something better than what I’m doing now. 

Anyway, the moral of this story is, “If the movie is in 3-D, chances are, it’s not really worth seeing to begin with.  But if you don’t believe your ole’ friend Leo, you don’t have to”.  Leo is just trying to set you straight.  And like Leo always likes to say, “There’s a reason why your whole life is a distraction, and why your mental abilities are overloaded with useless junk like crappy movies, prime time television,  and Super Wal Marts.  Because, deep down inside, we all just wanna be a sucker.”  Just bend over, start Moo’ing, and eat the grass like everyone else around you.  Life is so much easier that way.

Moo bitch, Moo!!

Your respected friend~Leo Bloom