Don’t smoke propane.

Three little words found on the San Antonio Riverwalk.

As written, this has a high potential for misunderstanding. Like life, the questions can be very confusing. The answers, even more so. I write this after a show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me just ended. I was watching a couple of lighthearted reality shows. You know, the kind guaranteed to lower your IQ by at least 25 points. Actually, The Real World will drop your IQ by 25 points. The Jersey Shore in Miami actually drops it at least 50. While my defenses were down, the program changed. I certainly wasn’t ready.

This show documents a program that they put on in schools called Challenge Day. Trained leaders go in to the high schools and give an interactive presentation designed to break down emotional barriers in the students that lead to peer pressure and bullying. The show is pretty intense. In fact, I thought I was going to have to leave the room because I was about to start crying. We are talking crying in epic Old Yeller proportions.

I don’t recall saying anything mean to others in high school, or anyone saying anything that I would consider mean to me. Quite honestly, I don’t believe someone else could actually say anything to me even half as bad as the things I said to myself. No one had to put me into the ‘not good enough’ box. I put myself in that box long before anyone else could. Back then, I focused a lot on what I THOUGHT other people thought of me.

Those who know me are aware of my communication style. I tend to be quite literal and occasionally abrupt. I also tend to not have a filter between my brain and my mouth, so there is generally little room to misunderstand my intentions. I prefer communicating with people like this, as well. Sure, there may still be misunderstandings, but those misunderstandings can be dealt with when they are vocalized. A few months ago, I lashed out at someone due to a misunderstanding on my part. After talking it through, I realized I really did not have justifiable grounds for my anger, and that I was being somewhat unfair. I was quick to apologize, and everything was ok.

I like reading the lines only. I am not very good with assumptions. Are you truly not answering my call because you are busy? Should I keep trying to periodically call to catch you at a good time? Is that a message that I need to back off, because you are mad at me or just don’t want to talk to me? Have I said something that has offended you? Are you just tired and don’t want to talk to anyone? I am never really sure what I am supposed to be reading between the lines, if anything. It makes me very uncomfortable. Past habits make me quick to assume the worst, usually about myself. I would rather someone speak the truth and potentially hurt feelings than be nice and potentially destroy feelings later.

Maybe I am just feeling philosophical today. Ten years ago, I turned 30. I had not met my ridiculous self-imposed goals. Turning 30 meant the end of my young, carefree adulthood. Turning 30 was not the best time of my life. Soon, I will be 40. A new decade and a new chapter. I have actually met those ridiculous self-imposed goals I had set for myself so long ago. I am not sure about this new decade, but I plan to keep an open mind, an open heart, an open soul. And, the (sometimes too) open filterless method of communication I currently employ.

We will file this under the “Rambling” category. I write very much like how I talk. Honest, but a tad bit unorganized, with no set plan. It is a roller coaster ride to see where we end up. Hell, I don’t even how this story will end. I’ll see you at the end of the ride.