Rant

To whomever happens to be in charge of this piece of shit:

When one places a vending machine somewhere, the reasoning behind said placement is typically to turn some modicum of profit. The mechanism for producing profit consists of three distinct factors. Clearly, you don’t have any understanding or awareness of these factors, so I’ll list them out for easy reference.

1. You must have quality products that people actually want to purchase in the machine. When you note that a specific item tends to sell out quicker than another, it should prompt you to go through the process of ordering more of the item that sold out, not more of the shit that’s already in the machine that noone is buying. We call this basic supply and demand. To simplify it for you however, you can remember it like this: “oooh, they like dat. Get more.”

2. Let’s just assume, for the sake of shits and giggles, you actually grasped the concept presented to you in factor number 1. The second factor you need to become familiar with is the ability to handle the transaction. (For the IQ impaired, this is how you get paid, moron.) If there’s a dollar bill changer on the machine, perhaps you should ensure that it works so that people can buy some of the outstanding goodies that you finally got into the machine. This bullshit of having to come in here with a pocket bulging with singles like Pacman Jones in a strip bar is ridiculous. I’ve seen people go through eight dollar bills before this thing would take one – I’ve seen many more just say screw it and walk away without buying anything. Might be a good idea to get that fixed, genius.

3. Once the machine accepts the perfect 2007 series dollar bill with just the right amount of wrinkle, cocaine residue, glitter and sweat content and the selection has been made – what do you think should happen next? Logic dictates that a product should fall from the mechanical rotatey thing inside and down to the tray where your customer can retrieve it and add to his body fat index without delay. Not so, with your piece of shit. With your mechanical turd, the product hangs on the track, gets stuck in between the track and the glass, or it just flat out doesn’t move at all. Nice job – I’m assuming you went into this line of work because the meth lab exploded or you couldn’t land a gig scrubbing toilets at the gas station, but it’s far from rocket science and it’s time to get a handle on it.

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Hopefully this guide has assisted you in your career endeavours and I sincerely wish you a great day.

Regards,

Bob Sugar